By Sara Sneath
© 2012 Diversity Rules Magazine and Sara Sneath. All Rights Reserved.
Sara is a writer, activist and veteran. She is majoring in journalism and sociology at the University of Kansas. She documents her ventures at http://nowhiteknights.tumblr.com.
I am the girl turning pages trying to find the meaning of the look he or she just gave me. Might it be under “A” for “Approach with caution” or “C” for “Chase me until we’re both out of breath, tripping, grasping for one another.” I am the girl who will forever love the person who longs more for her words than her body. I am the girl who will lust after someone who looks twice as long as they touch; someone whose idea of a quickie is a simple sentence: “I miss you” or “I’ll be there.” I am the girl who wants a partner who never questions who her words are about, but takes them for what they are: things that fill lines, but not the spaces in between them. I am the girl who will tell you everything in the clouds that hang in cold air; in hugs initiated with racing feet and leaps; in closed-eyed dance moves; and lingering gazes in your direction. I am the girl who will leave no blanks, but write words deeper than paper; whose habit of looking from left to right extends beyond acknowledgements and indexes; whose happy ending is punctuated not by a kiss, but a colon: awaiting the definition she provides.
The thing I hate the most is how you keep pretending you don’t have a shot with me. I’m constantly trying to find reasons to talk to you and you seem to enjoy the opportunity. But tires only go flat so often, and I actually prefer making decisions alone. I don’t know how many more accessories I can purchase or how many spare parts I now actually own.
Maybe you’re emotionally unavailable, but don’t act like I am too. Telling me I’m intimidating won’t make me take it easy on you. I don’t entertain calls in the middle of the night and chemically induced words are meaningless. I won’t beg, plead or text you twice without an answer. I won’t be stood up or made to feel needy. I don’t play games and I’m not emotionally greedy. But I have self-respect and I set the rules for how I want to be treated. I’m perfectly capable of functioning on my own, but I’ll tell you when I feel defeated.
I refuse to fulfill gender roles. I’ll make the first, third and fifth moves. I’m not asking that you hold the door open. I’m just asking that you unlock it.